by
Celia Jolley
I grew up at five. That was when I learned the truth about Santa Claus in the red suit, and Lani Groves had been the baby in the play. Baby Jesus had really been just a girl. What a jolt!
You see, when I was five, I was the shepherd boy in the church play: "What shall I give him, poor as I am? If I were a shepherd, I'd give him my lamb."*
Creeping forward to lay my stuffed toy lamb beside the bale of hay, I had to shade my eyes from the spotlights taped to the first pew. I couldn't see anyone in the sanctuary, only the manger. Wiping my smarting eyes, I saw the baby for the first time. It was wrapped in a tiny cotton tee shirt and terry towel lying in the manger. Always before in practice, there had been a stupid rubber doll with one eye rolled up. Like the apostle Paul in the blinding light, I was converted. I just knew, here was the real thing. It was Jesus.
The tiny King had brown eyes capturing mine. The little lips were in a perfect "O" until the chin began to quiver into a pucker. Chubby hands reached up to me. I looked at Jennifer Arnold, the more mature six year old with the key role as Mary, but she just shrugged in her sheeting.
Suddenly, the baby's eyes squeezed shut, and the mouth opened to suck in the silence before the wail. But the song said, "The little Lord Jesus, no crying He made." Quickly laying aside my stuffed lamb and wooden staff, I, Joshua McGraw, picked up baby Jesus. The audience gasped, but the baby smiled. In my confusion amidst the thunder of applause, I couldn't grasp why Mrs. Groves came to take the baby away. I didn't want to let her take it. Jesus had smiled at me! Finally, stepping back empty-handed, I glared at the stupid rubber doll which now lay stiff in the manger. As the wise men came to adore on bended knee, I scorned them. They were too late. I had held the real thing.
"What was from the beginning, what we have heard,
what we have seen with our eyes,
what we behold and our hands handled,
concerning the Word of Life...
what we have seen and heard we proclaim to you also,
that our joy may be made complete."
I John 1:2,3,4 NASB
The next Christmas I graduated to a wise man while toddling Lani was a cherub with tinsel halo and cotton balls glued on cardboard for wings. She liked the fake jewels on my robe and kept wandering over to me. But the manger was empty. It seemed no one would trust their newborn to the hay where an errant shepherd boy might grab the precious thing. Somehow, the wonder of the pageant was tarnished.
The next year, I was Joseph. The next, the innkeeper. The next, I had the chicken pox. Finally, I got the really important part of working the spotlights. My ten year old chest filled with all the pride of Thomas Edison. Lani was Mary that year. She looked so sweet smiling down at the imaginary baby Jesus that it reminded me of when she had been that baby. I forgot to move the spotlight off her so that Randy Blum had to say half his lines in the dark as he tripped over the microphone cord.
At least I remembered to switch the light to Rev. Groves as he made his closing remarks. He cleared his throat. "We regret to announce, we've been called elsewhere. We'll be
moving after the first of the year."
Mary was crying. I was so upset that I accidently turned off all the house lights. It was really dark surrounded by sniffles. At the reception afterwards, little Lani kept following me around saying things like, "I can tie my shoes. Wanna see?"
I was sorry to see her move, but I was embarrassed to have such a short shadow. I went across the room to sit with the other guys eating cookies and tried to ignore little Lani on the floor at my feet. It wasn't until I stood up that I found out what she had been doing.
"See, I can tie shoes!"
"Whoa!" I fell across three folding chairs sending my paper plate flying like a Frisbee. The little rug rat had tied my shoelaces together in a knot.
There was that pucker again. She was going to cry.
"That's okay, Lani. It's a gnarly knot." I looked at her costume. "Or is it Mary?"
"Mary, me?"
The next pastor didn't do nativities. Instead, we ran a Christmas soup kitchen out of the basement. My job was always to serve mashed potato volcanos erupting with gravy. Before we fed them, Pastor would read the Christmas story, "Emmanuel, God with us." That held special meaning as my mind would escape to fond memories of Christmas past, to the baby face of Lani Groves.
"Behold, the virgin shall be with child,
and shall bear a Son,
and they shall call His name Emmanuel."
Luke 1:23 NASB
I'll never forget the year I was fifteen with my learner's permit. We had decided to drive to the city where Christmas pageants were done up royally. I got to drive, at least until the rain turned to slush. Then Dad took over. Mom still fretted, said we'd have to get a motel. It was a real winter storm. But I called it adventure! The snowflakes were like magic in the air as the world turned into wonderland.
The civic center was filled with Christmas spirit and people. A huge tree rose floor to ceiling, only slightly crooked. As I imagined the chaos if it fell, the spotlight centered on Mary who sang a lullaby in a sweet child voice, pretty good for a kid. Mom poked me in the ribs and passed the program.
I couldn't believe it. The last time I had seen Lani, she was a much smaller version of Mary. My mental calculator whizzed. If I was ten, she was five. Now, she must be ten. Pretty nervy kid to sing in front of such a packed crowd.
I felt my chest swell with pride that a small town P.K. made it to the big stage, but it soon turned to embarrassment when the folks insisted on going backstage to congratulate her. I'll admit, it was a happy reunion. We sure had missed Pastor Groves and his family. Next thing we knew, they insisted that we stay the night with them instead of a motel.
There was a lot of reminiscing and laughter over cocoa and popcorn. I was still hungry for pizza, so we ordered that too. Standing in the hallway paying the pizza man, I saw the picture. It was a shepherd boy holding the baby., I didn't know anyone had caught that moment on film. The delivery man shuffled impatiently so I counted out the rest of his tip. The picture drew me closer. The wonder was evident in my five year old eyes. There was the dimpled smile where the terry towel slipped down.
Lani was beside me. "Do you remember that?"
"Yeah, sure."
"I thought of you when I sang the lullaby tonight."
"Uh, how about some pizza."
That night Pastor Groves read out of the before we went to bed...
"And in the same region there were some shepherds staying out in the fields,
and keeping watch over their flocks by night.
And an angel of the Lord suddenly stood before them;
and they were terribly frightened.
And the angel said to them, 'Do not be afraid;
for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which shall be for all the people'...
And the shepherds went back, glorifying and praising God
for all that they had heard and seen,
just as had been told them...
But Mary treasured up all these things,
pondering them in her heart."
Luke 1:
It was my parents' twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. My grandmother planned a big December anniversary reception at the church, and I must admit, I wasn't much help. At twenty, I thought I had much more important things to do. Besides, I didn't feel very comfortable in church. I seldom went anymore. But Mom and Dad sure were happy seeing family and friends. Some even came from a distance, like the Groves.
Looking nervously for someone safe to sit by who wouldn't say, "My, how you've grown," or Haven't seen much of you in church lately," I spied Lani looking as miserable as I felt. She must be fifteen by now, not bad looking either, for a teenager.
She saw me, and her whole face lit up. But just then I saw Virginia Turner behind her. Wow, what a fox! I hadn't seen Virginia since we broke up my senior year in high school. Walking past Lani, I noticed that she was looking up expectantly at me as I realized that she had thought I was coming to talk with her. But, one look at Virginia, and I forgot all about the disappointment on Lani's face. Grow up, kid.
I could hardly talk to Virginia over the Pastor as he was reading what must have been a whole chapter of Scripture, something about an excellent wife, flax, distaffs, spindles, and selling belts...
"An excellent wife, who can find?
For her worth is far above jewels.
Her children rise up and bless her;
Her husband also, and he praises her, saying..
Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain,
But a woman who fears the Lord,
she shall be praised."
Proverbs 31:10, 28, 20
I had a good job teaching and coaching which gave me time off with my family over the holidays. Mom and Dad had the house fixed up really nice. Virginia was impressed. She went for style. I usually looked her up when I came home. She was the kind of girl you could have around for excitement, but there wasn't enough there to sustain a lasting or deep relationship Yet, it was better than being alone. It was kinda getting old, the single life, especially when coming home. My folks really had something great there. I just didn't have much hope for finding someone like Mom, a younger version, that is. They didn't seem to hang out in the crowd I knew.
Everything was perfect, except for company. I had to give up my old room. It really was a guest room now. It seems Mrs. Groves wanted to come back to her family doctor here for surgery. Of course, Mom insisted that they spend Christmas with us while she recuperated. Even little Lani would come here from college for the holidays. I sure hoped she wouldn't expect me to take her around to see the old sights. I planned to be busy keeping Virginia company.
That night Virginia and I out-waited the older people till we had the living room to ourselves. The tree was lit up, the fire crackling, the Christmas carols were playing, and the young woman was melting like a chocolate in the sweaty palm of my hand. Just then, the front door bumped open, and Lani stood there in a white jacket looking a s pure as an angel held earthbound only by the suitcases in her hands.
My arm fell off Virginia's shoulder. Lani blushed. She was saying something about sorry to interrupt, but all I could think of was the difference five years could make.
Virginia evidently was uncomfortable around her for she was leaving. For once, I did not walk her to
her car. I knew I wouldn't be calling her any more. After all, three is a crowd.
Lani and I talked late into the night. I'd never met someone I could talk to so easily. From the puckery baby, to the pesky five year old, to the brave girl of ten, to the shy fifteen year old, her eyes had always looked up to me. For the first time I was glad from the heart, but scared. What did she see in me?
"Sounds like you've been busy, Josh. Have you been active in the church too?"
The fire seemed to suddenly ignite my face. I squirmed uncomfortably. "Nah, I guess I've gotten out of the habit."
"Oh." Her disappointment fell heavily all around me. The whole evening suddenly seemed to hinge on that question. I tried to laugh it off.
"I'm a bit too old to play the part of the shepherd boy in a Christmas play, anyway."
"But, have you lost the wonder? I've prayed for you all these years." She spoke so softly that I could hardly hear her.
In that moment looking at Lani's live earnestness made everything else seem false, as
fake as the old rubber doll that had lain in the manger. The heat from my face fell till it burned in my heart. I longed once again to adore the Christ of Christmas, to hold Him close just as I had done as a five year old shepherd boy.
"If I were a Wise Man, I would do my part,
But what can I give Him,
Give my heart."*
It's funny that after all these years, I remember my part.
"The people who walk in darkness will see a great light;
Those who live in a dark land, the light will shine on them.
For a child will be born to us,
a Son will be given to us...
And His name will be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God
Eternal Father, Prince of Peace."
Isaiah 9:2, 6
"Hey, Lani, don't give up praying for me. Just like I wanted to hold you as a baby in the manger, sometimes my heart has truly yearned for Him. I admit that I have pushed him aside for too long thinking I had grown up too much to need Him. It just shows my spiritual immaturity. But my parents have always consistently shown the way to be wise in the ways of God. Perhaps it is me who has been foolish instead of a wise man who seeks Him."
"Better than me just promising to pray for you, how about we pray right now?"
She reached out her hands to me. I took them in mine. They felt like that's where they belonged. I bowed my head while she prayed the sweetest prayer that left embarrassing tears in my eyes. When she was finished, my voice cracked as I stammered a short prayer. But my heart was as full as that Christmas way back then when I embraced the baby in the manger.
"Thank you, Lani. I've needed to do that for so long."
"Merry Christmas," she whispered as the clock struck midnight.
Now I struggled with the desire to kiss her in this magic hour, but held back as a gentleman should. Yet, she leaned forward and left a soft flutter of a kiss on my lips that took my breath away and left a stupid grin on my face.
"Merry Christmas to you, Lani. I think this will be the best Christmas in my memory. In fact, that kiss was the best gift a guy could ever wish for. Thank you, sweet Lani."
But she was pulling away and shyly turned to go upstairs with a blush burning on her face. Yet, she kept a timid smile on her face as she said, "Good night, Josh."
"I'll see you in the morning for the best Christmas ever," I said to her parting figure.
As I settled on my bed, the couch, I hummed, "All is calm, all is bright." Yes, I think I'll sleep in heavenly peace for the first time since I walked away from the One who had once slept in a manger, not as human baby or an imitation rubber doll, but the very Son of God. It truly was a holy night as I gave Him my heart.
